Self-Aware & Emotional Intelligence: Feelings Beyond the Good & Bad

I first wrote about emotional intelligence in my 1992 book for men, “Awakening from the Deep Sleep.”  In my book I describe a man I had in therapy.  Peter came at the suggestion of his wife who explained to me that Peter would never talk to her about his feelings.  After working with Peter for a few months, he thanked me for helping him to improve his relationship with his wife. He said he had become much better at communicating with her. I asked him why and he said:  “Dr. Rob, when I first met you, I thought there were only two feelings: good and bad. Now, I know how limited this view was. I’ve learned and opened up to many feelings, and began to share them with my wife. It’s not been easy, but it’s been pretty amazing about how much better I feel and how much better I’m getting along with her.”

Over the years, working with thousands of men and women, I find that Peter’s statement is not unique. My work with clients and students has made me realize that many people have grown up with a very limited understanding of their feelings. They report that this has restricted their ability to develop intimate relationships, and also their ability to get ahead in the workplace, especially when they seek out a leadership role. This inability to understand emotions contributes to a lack of self-awareness, which in turn is a sign of low emotional intelligence.

Like Peter, if you or someone you love, does not have a good grasp of how he or she feels, there are some steps we can take to make improvements:

First – Learn to tune in better to your senses. Feelings start with the body. You must first learn to distinguish such basic bodily states such as tension versus relaxation; the feeling of discomfort versus pain; the ability to know when you’re hungry, thirsty or tired and to understand the difference between these basic models of being.

Secondly – You must learn to expand your vocabulary for feelings. A famous author, Pat Conroy, talked about his father who was the basis for his character, the abusive “The Great Santini.”   “My father was never taught the language of love”. There are literally hundreds of words for emotions, we hear them all the time. We even see them when we look at the emoji’s which are essentially a variety of emotions. Can we even name them?

Thirdly – Once you have made improvements in understanding your senses and feelings and it has made progress on expanding your emotional vocabulary, learn to begin expressing how you feel to yourself through journaling. Then, practice expressing your feelings to others.