Recently, the media has focused its attention on therapy. As I reflect on my 40 years of doing research and therapy with men, I find that most men still regard going to see a therapist as a sign of weakness. If possible, they avoid it at all costs. Rather than being beneficial, entering therapy is seen as something to be feared and avoided by most men.
If we consider the tenets of what it means to be a man in our society, we can see why therapy is such a threat.
Consider:
A “real man” is supposed to be:
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Self-reliant
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Invulnerable
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In control
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To prefer rational thinking and active solutions
Whereas therapy requires the client to admit he:
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Needs help
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Sacrifices some autonomy to the therapist
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Must challenge the notion that he is in complete control of himself and his surroundings
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Will be entering a situation with a lot of emotional talk and little action
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Will be in an unstructured situation where he will not know the rules and be unable to keep score
Because therapy challenges the foundations of what is considered to be masculine, for a man, beginning therapy is an act of courage.
Therapy and Male Student-Athletes
For the past few years, on an informal basis, I have been providing guidance to some of the teenagers and young adults who are members of the University of Michigan football team. Like most college students, male student-athletes suffer from many of the same mental health problems as other male students at the university. Yet, for many good reasons, therapy is taboo. To admit they are suffering from such problems as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and obsessive-compulsive disorder is a source of deep shame and anger. They fear that if they go to therapy and it is discovered, they will receive less playing time. They fear that if the NFL scouts find out, it could hurt their chances of being drafted. Furthermore, they fear the scorn and ridicule from their teammates. As a result, they suffer in silence.
(I will be writing more about mental health and college students and athletes soon.)
To conclude, I want to share a story about what it’s like for a man to enter therapy. Certainly, this is not true for all men. Much has changed about the attitudes of men toward traditional masculinity over the past 20 years. Yet for many, these tenants of manhood remain strongly entrenched. Here is the story about Gene (a nonexistent name):
In many ways, Gene was typical of a first-time therapy client. He entered the therapist’s office looking apprehensive and pressured. He began by blaming the heavy traffic and full parking lot for the reason he was late. He admitted he had come to therapy at his wife’s urging, but he hoped it was not too late. He explained that Marica, his wife of 18 years, had recently threatened to take their two children and leave. He could not understand why.
He had worked hard all his life and at age 50, had finally become a financial success. With this newfound wealth, he and Marica bought a lakeside house, two cars, a van, and a boat. He complained that he did not have much time to join the family at their recreational and family events. His family went on wonderful trips each year (all scheduled around business matters). As his job required him to be on the road 60% of the time, he had little time to devote to his wife and children during the rest of the year.
Gene admitted he used alcohol and marijuana in excess to relieve the pressures of his job. The fulcrum of his life was the American Dream: “Work hard, and you can have it all.”
Despite the money and prestige, now at 50, he faced the prospect of losing his wife and family.
As therapy began, Gene seemed guarded and uncertain. He said he wanted to evaluate his life, and, as with every other challenge in his life, he felt confident that with enough effort, money, and the proper attitude, he would conquer this problem, too.
“Doc, you tell me what needs to be done, and I’ll do it. I don’t want to lose my wife; without her, I’m nothing. I have no friends, just business acquaintances, and I can’t talk to them. If she leaves, there’s no one to take her place.”
Despite Gene’s claims that he badly wanted to participate in therapy, he was uncomfortable and embarrassed to have to see a therapist. He admitted that his wife had urged him for years to enter therapy, either with her or independently. Initially, he denied that any problem existed and later argued that they could solve their problems without outside help. When his wife finally threatened to leave, however, Gene reluctantly sought counseling.
Though he asked his therapist for advice, he was not comfortable hearing it. Gene was an executive more accustomed to giving orders than receiving them. The therapist was in a Catch-22: if he offered a suggestion, Gene was resistant, but if he withheld advice, Gene perceived him to be indecisive or incompetent.
Perhaps most detrimental to the therapeutic process was Gene’s outward confidence, which belied his underlying doubts and resentment. His professed faith in his ability to handle marital conflict as effectively as business problems concealed his deep fear that he might lose his wife and family.
Despite coming into therapy kicking and screaming, Gene eventually was able to become comfortable enough that he could dig deeply into his issues to begin his therapeutic journey.
The story of Gene is taken from my book, Men in Therapy.
For another fascinating look at how hard it is for men to enter therapy, view the first season of The Sopranos, where Tony, a Mafia boss who is suffering from anxiety attacks, is forced to go to therapy at the insistence of his wife.