How To Make a Good Apology

A topic on everybody’s mind is the question of how to make a good apology. This is a question much debated. Rather than turn to the experts, I have decided to ask my Leaders Connect friends to give me their ideas about what makes a good apology. This led to a fascinating discussion. Today I want to ask you to join in a discussion and share with Dr. Rob’s community what you think makes a good apology. I have also included at the end the Zingerman’s Guide on how to apologize to a patron/customer.

Below are some of the responses I have received:

“Make certain you have identified the correct reason for your apology; you understand why the apology is necessary; you offer to make amends to show your sincerity; you are able to explain why this will never happen again..take full responsibility..no excuses.” ~ P.A.

“Take responsibility, don’t make it about you, make amends if you can, acknowledge it if you can’t.” ~ S.L.

“Whatever you say if it is not heartfelt, it would be wasting time.” ~ S.E.C.

“Say I’m sorry. Be honest about your feelings and what happened. No excuses but some explanation is ok. Not too much explanation. Thank them. Offer to do something meaningful to make it right. You can use this if you would like. It’s my variation of the Zingerman’s recipe.” ~ G.S.

“A simple ‘I’m sorry, I won’t let it happen again’ should do it.’ I think the more you try and embellish, the worse it gets. In other words, short and sweet. Now if it’s to your wife, you better have a large bouquet of flowers.” ~ W.F.

“I would include a reference to the way my misdeed may have affected the other person; i.e., ‘I’m sure my behavior/action/words were hurtful.” ~ L.B.

“It would be great if our apologies included a commitment that it would never happen again, but I have found that to be sometimes an unrealistic goal. Making an amend is a more complete apology and requires us to ask the recipient what it is that you can do to help them be restored.” ~ J.L.

“Our humannes…sometimes…creates a moment where it does happen again and each time it does, we learn from that moment a bit more about ourselves/it’s hard to be human some days, that’s what I know for sure; ‘I’m sorry/I was not the best version of myself when I hurt/offended/upset you/what do you need from me to make amends and restore our relationship?’” ~ N.K.

“Love the concepts in the Five Languages of Apology. Helps to understand that when you are apologizing, the recipient needs different things. Other than that – sincerity.” ~ M.M.

“Authentic: ‘I was wrong/Is there anything/I can do to make things right?’ And some version of ‘Will you forgive me?” ~ R.M.D.

“I am very sorry about what I said! It is not who I am and I do not intend to make the same mistake again!’ Then I try not to let it happen again!” ~ D.G.

“Say it as you mean it.” ~ M.L.

“Apologizing privately (at least at first) makes a big difference.” ~ L.L.

“The wronged party may not accept your apology. Do it anyway. They may accept later.” ~ R.K.

“The two worst apologies are: ‘I am sorry BUT’ and ‘I am sorry YOU feel that way’.”~ M.D.

Apologizing to a Patron/Customer Provided by ZingTrain

1. Acknowledge the complaint

Make eye contact with the patron
Listen, pay attention to their complaint
Agree with them if you can (empathy: ‘you’re absolutely right….’)
Get on their side (It can be you and the patron against the problem without bashing the policy… ‘I know, isn’t that frustrating? I can see why this would drive you crazy…’)
Wait until they are finished with the complaint before moving to the next step. Never interrupt.

2. Apologize to the patron

Make the ‘I’m sorry’ part of this truly sincere
Better in the first person…’I’m sorry…I take responsibility for this, I feel just awful that I have to say no in this situation…’
Don’t blame away the problem – don’t bash the library or the policy.
Don’t make excuses
You can apologize even if you feel there is nothing for you to be sorry for… you can still be sorry that they’re in such a frustrating position.

3. Take action to make things right

The objective here is to do whatever you can do to make the patron walk away feeling better, knowing that they were heard and that if necessary some further action will be taken by you or a supervisor.
If you find you must say “no” or if you find you might want to bend a rule, follow the policies in place for how to say no and how to bend a rule.
Each person is different. Make suggestions about how you can help or provide other helpful options and listen carefully to how the patron responds.
Offer to get a supervisor. If no supervisor is available, consult with another staff member. When you bring the supervisor back, be the customer’s advocate and explain the problem to the supervisor. Don’t make the customer do more work by having to explain all over again.
Help the patron fill out an incident report and assure them that you will get it to your supervisor.
Take their name and number and have a supervisor contact them.

4. Thank them for telling you about the complaint

Why are we thanking them? Because this patron is the one out of ten who has actually voiced the complaint. The other nine have just gone and told twenty of their friends what a horrible experience they’ve had.
We thank them because we want to always be told when expectations are not met—it’s the best way we have of improving our service and making sure that our policies are sound.
We are thanking them for giving us the opportunity to make things right or better for them, and perhaps for others. General tips for handling complaints:
Keep your voice low and stay calm – helps to calm the patron.
If a patron is truly irate, loud or a distraction for other patrons, remove them from the situation. For example invite them to sit with you at a table while you write everything down.
Give the patron your undivided attention.
Make steps 1 & 2 automatic. Even if you don’t know how to make things right for a patron, you can still acknowledge the complaint and apologize before you get a supervisor.”