Emotional intelligence is the best predictor of long-term success in the workplace. Research has shown that emotional intelligence is the key factor in the ability of individuals to get along well in relationships. The technology-focused generation of millennials will see this play out in the span of their careers: emotional intelligence is valued even more than intellectual intelligence and technical skills.
Many leaders tend to be competitive, hard-driving people. They have high IQs, but sometimes their emotional intelligence lags far behind.
A few years ago, I coached a manager who had been one of the most successful salespeople at a financial services company. She’d been promoted to manager and was poised to move up to the next level. But as I worked with her, I quickly saw that she lacked the ability to connect well with others.
One of the dimensions of emotional intelligence is whether you are aware of your own feelings. This woman always put on a happy face. If you asked her how she was doing, she’d always say, “Perfect!” She wasn’t attuned to the subtleties of her own emotional life because she’d taught herself to simply put on a positive front.
She also wasn’t able to read the emotions of others well. She had no sense of the impact her words might have. She’d do things like overdo teasing to the point where it became offensive.
She was also weak in her ability to manage her emotions. She could fly off the handle in an instant and would make no attempt to rein herself in. In fact, she thought yelling at people was the way to motivate them. Instead, people became afraid of her.
She also fell down on her ability to manage the emotions of the group, which is one of the most difficult things to do. Much of the work of leaders involves managing a team or a meeting. It’s almost like being an orchestra conductor – sensing how the group is feeling, knowing when to call on someone, recongizing who hasn’t been participating. Drawing people out is a delicate art. My client could manage these situations at times, but then she’d have a major blow-up and publicly humiliate someone.
To help her improve her emotional intelligence, I gave her the following suggestions:
- Keep a mood log. Several times a day, write down how you are feeling. Look back at the end of the week and assess how tuned in you were to your own emotions. Look for patterns.
- Avoid shaming others. It can be highly destructive. You may be aware that shaming is destructive to others; you must be aware that shaming is destructive to your reputation.
- At work or at home, make a point of empathizing with others. Put yourself in that person’s shoes. Think about what it would feel like to be that person.
- If you’re having a dispute, look at it from the other person’s viewpoint. Try writing out a narrative of the disagreement from the other person’s standpoint.
- Let others be who they are. You can barely control yourself let alone controlling others
After six months of coaching, she was able to improve the way she led her team. She gained an increased self-awareness and learned how to manage her emotions better. The feedback from her team was positive and suggested that she had learned how to treat her team members much more respectfully.