Have Men Changed?

I recently started revising my 1992 best selling book, Awakening from the Deep Sleep, A Powerful Guide for Courageous Men. Originally, I designed Awakening from the Deep Sleep as a guide book to men about the process of change they were about to go through. Interestingly, many of the books were purchased by women who gave it to their partners.

As I began the revision, I recognized that for some men, things have changed dramatically. Unfortunately, for many men, attitudes, beliefs and behaviors have remained the same over the past 30 years.

Here is the first paragraph from the first manuscript:

I am a man much like the men I describe in this book. I am forty-five with two children, ages thirteen and sixteen, a working wife, and two parents in their seventies. I have a good job, a nice house, live in a pleasant neighborhood in a fine American town. I am privileged and fortunate. But am I happy in my role as a man? At times I am not sure.

Here is the updated version:

I am a man much like the men I describe in this book. I am 75 years old. I have two grown boys, ages 42 and 46. I have two daughters-in-law’s, and three grandchildren, ages eight, 6, and four months. My wife’s mother, living near us, will be turning 100 this year. My wife works writing novels. I have a good job, a nice house, on a very nice street, in a fine American town, in a state with plenty of water. I am privileged and fortunate. However, I still struggle with my role as an aging man in the USA.

 

Paragraph Two: unchanged from 1992 – 2022

I titled the book, Awakening from the Deep Sleep, because the men who enter therapy often have difficulty connecting with the emotional side of themselves. At the beginning of the book, I listed 25 questions which men could take to assess if they were in the Deep Sleep. By the Deep Sleep, I meant a state of emotional disconnection from others and from themselves.

 

Today as I read through the list, many of the characteristics still apply to many men in 2022.

 

Here are the characteristics of the Deep Sleep. Which ones do you think still apply in this day and age?

1. You describe your life as hectic, busy, or rushed.
2. You depend on your mate to tell you how you feel.
3. Work is more enjoyable or rewarding than your home is.
4. You distance yourself from feeling any intense emotions.
5. You have trouble saying “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure.”
6. You keep secrets from your partner because you don’t want to upset her.
7. You are guarded around other men.
8. You have lost interest in sex with your mate.
9. You have only two feelings: good or bad.
10. You think it’s your responsibility to fix your partner’s problems.
11. You are more comfortable talking openly to women than to men.
12. You believe you can turn your emotions on and off at will.
13. You have trouble talking about hurts from the past.
14. You’ve considered entering therapy but think it would be a sign of weakness.
15. You want to reconnect with your mother/father but don’t know how.
16. You constantly compare yourself to other men to see how well you measure up.
17. You are fixated on earning more and more money.
18. You question whether you still love your partner.
19. You depend on your mate to arrange your social life.
20. You ignore pain, thinking it will go away on its own.
21. You feel fenced in by your mate.
22. You fear your mate will leave you.
23. You feel ambivalent about or even hostile to the women’s movement.
24. You are not sure what you really want out of life.
25. Your life feels chaotic and out of balance.

 

My questions for all of you. 

 

In your opinion have men changed in the past 30 years?

If your answer is yes, please explain the characteristics of how they have changed. If your answer is no, please explain why.